Pantomime
by J.W.Melmoth
Summary: s4 ep10 from Kurt's POV - adds some "missing scenes". Romantic Klainers, this is probably not for you.


**Title: Pantomime  
Timeframe:** during & after the Kurt/Burt/Blaine scenes from s4 ep10  
S**ummary: **s4 ep10 from Kurt's POV - adds some "missing scenes". Romantic Klainers, this is probably not for you.  
**Rating: **K  
**Genre:** Angst

**Pantomime  
**

* * *

**[before Christmas]**

"Kurt, that's fantastic! When do you start?" Blaine exclaimed enthusiastically, and Kurt smiled. He could imagine the look in his ex-boyfriend's eyes. It would be as gentle and loving as the sound of his voice. It felt good to hear him again. They hadn't exactly gone back to daily calls- far from it- but as Kurt found out he was accepted to NYADA, he had to call Blaine. If nothing else, then to tell him about Christmas. His smile faded a little.

"Second of January," he replied, "and I made Rachel promise she'd help me get a head start on things as soon as she gets back from her cruise on the 27th. I have so much to catch up with, I-" He steeled himself before continuing, "Blaine, I decided to stay in New York and get prepared." He paused and listened to the sudden silence on the other end. As Blaine finally spoke, his voice was small and far away.

"What about Christmas?" he asked, sounding for once like the eighteen year old he still was. "I thought we were going ice skating..."

Kurt bit his lip. He hated going back on his promise, but he had prepared his answer. "NYADA is going to be expensive, Blaine. I'm going to need dance outfits and presentable towels to bring to class, and theory books and probably sheet music as well, and-"

"Didn't you already save up money for that?" Blaine interrupted. "I thought that was why you took your job at the Lima Bean and at vogue dot com. I mean, you _were _planning to get in all along, didn't you?"

When Kurt didn't speak, Blaine continued, his voice taking on a resigned tone. "If we hadn't...if things had been different, you would have tried to do both, come to Lima _and_ start NYADA in January... wouldn't you?"

Kurt swallowed. _Yes. Maybe._ The truth was, he didn't know. Maybe if his Wham audition had been accepted, going to Lima and patching things up with Blaine would have had a bigger priority. But something had changed after _Being Alive._ He had taken Rachel's advice and sang the song to himself. Carmen Tibideaux had asked for heart and emotion, and he had laid his soul bare for her, for everyone in that room that night at the winter showcase - but most of all, he had finally allowed _himself_ to feel the emotions of his song, to fully accept the hurt and the longing he felt inside, the loneliness and also the strength. Kurt had discovered the power he had left, the power that had always been there but had become overshadowed by pain. At that moment, he realized he could get through this on his own. The fear of having to revise the plans for his future- plans that had always featured Blaine- lessened. He could let go and start again, at NYADA or anywhere else, and he'd be okay. Going back to Lima would only hold him back.

"I should go, Rachel will be home soon and I promised I'd cook," he said, deflecting Blaine's question.

"Okay," Blaine replied quietly. "Kurt, I-"

"Bye." Kurt ended the call before Blaine could tell him what he always told him before they hung up. He was surprised how relieved he felt.

* * *

**[Burt's arrival in NY]**

The musical was fantastic (it was Broadway, how could it not be?) and yet Kurt couldn't help sneaking looks at his dad every few minutes. First, to check if he was enjoying himself, but later, as the musical storyline spun towards intermission, just to see him sitting there. Burt's sudden arrival in New York and his walk down memory lane as the decorated the Christmas tree had brought up memories inside Kurt that had been buried deep. Old pain. He knew his dad hadn't done it on purpose. Whenever he got emotional, he'd spring such things on his son, like 'I wish your mom could have seen this', or 'your mom and I used to say...' Every time that happened, Kurt didn't know whether to laugh or cry. His mother deserved a place in their lives and their conversations, but sometimes it just hurt too much to be reminded of what was missing. Tonight was such a night. Kurt loved the fact that his father had come to New York and even brought a tree the way he used to do, but the box of decorations held a lot more than just ornaments.

Kurt knew Rachel had picked up on the vibe in the room so he had been quick to assure her he was fine. They'd celebrate Christmas as they had done for years, just the two of them, and a little sadness would only help make the happy times shine brighter. Kurt smiled. His dad seeing his first Broadway show. It was kind of amazing. Was he actually _humming along_?

* * *

**[hot chocolate at the coffee shop]**

The whipped cream curdled on Kurt's tongue. He swallowed around the sour milk and the desperation, and looked at his dad. Burt was already talking again, reassuring Kurt that he'd be fine, but his words barely registered. His dad had cancer. Yes, Kurt knew there were treatments for that, but he also knew it often came back and some of the treatments were dangerous in themselves, harming the rest of the body and taxing its system. What about his dad's heart? Kurt pulled away the fries from his dad's hands out of reflex while his brain was trying hard to catch up, going through one scenario to the next. How much time did they have? A year? Two? With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he realized what that meant: his dad might not make it to see him graduate from NYADA. His mind raced and threw accusations at him. _If you had only gotten into NYADA sooner, you would graduate earlier... If you had never left Lima, you would have had more time together. _And then, a thought that really hit him hard:_ if you hadn't broken up with Blaine, within a few years, you might have been able to give Burt a grandson. _Although Kurt knew he would probably never have a biological child of his own, him and Blaine had sort of planned to adopt in the future. Their future. The one they no longer had.

Kurt shared a part of his fears with his father (not mentioning the family part, because what Burt didn't know wouldn't hurt him), and his dad assured him he'd be there for all that. But Kurt was old enough now to know that his father wasn't always right. He used to think his dad was Superman and could do anything, but not even he could make such a promise. And why, Kurt thought bitterly, would fate and the universe be kind to him _now_? After taking away his mom, having half the school hate him, making him lose the lead in the musical, the senior class presidency, his first chance at NYADA and his boyfriend, why would everything suddenly all be okay just because he wanted it to? He was already tempting fate by getting into the college of his dreams- maybe this was the price he paid. Maybe he just couldn't have it all. As he took his father's hand, all he could think was: _I give it all back. I don't want NYADA if it means I get to keep my dad._

* * *

**[Picking up Kurt's present]**

Kurt turned the corner and suddenly saw where he stood. His father had had his present delivered at an _iceskating rink_? That didn't make sense. Kurt had half-expected to end up at a car-dealership (a gift he couldn't possibly accept; his father would need the money for his treatment and he'd make damn sure that his dad went to the best doctors in the country) or maybe having his measurements taken at Prada (same thing, though it would be a lot harder to return such a gift- especially with the 2012 autumn collection with its rich reds and fabulous turn-of-the-century chic). Instead he stood in front of the large frozen square, the ice fogging up the air and cold wafting in his face.

_And maybe when it's cold enough, we could go ice skating..._

Kurt had to force his broken promise and the sudden homesickness for Lima and Blaine down. This was for the best. He needed to be with his dad now, and Blaine would just be a distraction. Family came first. He tried to focus on the present instead. There were so many people here, and so many stalls, where would he find his dad's gift?

"Package for Kurt Hummel!"  
"Blaine!"

Kurt was too surprised to speak. Blaine was the last person he had expected to see, and as it turned out, _he_ was the present. Burt didn't know the details of their break-up. Kurt had told his dad he and Blaine had grown apart, that the long-distance thing wasn't working. He hadn't had the heart to confess the truth. He had been afraid of his father's reaction, and a part of him had been ashamed. It felt like Blaine had found someone else because he hadn't been good enough anymore, like he had failed to give Blaine what he needed. For a long time, before anger took over and his self-esteem slowly recovered, Kurt had felt like it was his fault. His dad didn't know any of that. Kurt had simply told him he wanted to save the money on the trip, and so his dad had decided to send Blaine to him, probably thinking that some time together would help them get over the distance between them. It was the perfect, romantic, Christmas movie ending Kurt used to dream of- the soulmates coming back together in New York on Christmas eve, while it snowed and they kissed and everyone lived happily ever after. Only Kurt wasn't ready yet.

"You _are_ happy to see me, right?"

A heartbeat. Two. "Yeah. Yeah... always." What else could he say? In a way, he was. Blaine looked like a dream; his cheeks red from the cold and his eyes shiny with hope and adoration. Did Burt tell Blaine Kurt wanted to see him? Had the two of them devised this as a plan to get them back together? Kurt felt a pang of hurt at the thought of the two of them plotting together, going on the trip, sharing a plane... and Burt telling Blaine about his sickness before he told Kurt. But before he could dwell on that, Blaine reminded him of their Christmas tradition, and Kurt couldn't resist. He wanted to sing with Blaine again, even if they couldn't be together. For a few minutes, the music made him feel alive, like all of it had been a bad dream. They were back at Dalton, dancing around each other by the fireplace; they were at the studio shooting their Christmas special; or maybe they were just in a dream version of New York in winter the way Kurt had imagined it back home in Lima. As Blaine skated towards him, Kurt had even prepared himself to be kissed. But as Blaine turned away playfully, Kurt noticed he felt a little relieved. It felt too familiar. As tempting as it was, he didn't _want_ to pretend nothing had happened. It still hurt, and not even singing in New York, romantic as it was, was going to make it all go away. Neither would Blaine's promise to be there for him. Kurt knew it was heartfelt, and he knew the proper reaction, too, but as they hugged, he could feel a part of himself withdraw and close up, locking the pain inside in a place that Blaine's love couldn't cover.

"Oh, look, your dad's already here. He said he'd help me bring my stuff over. I brought presents from all of our friends, and from me of course, you're gonna love-" Blaine started, clearly encouraged by the embrace.

Kurt looked at him. "Blaine... you know you can't stay at my place, right?" he said carefully. "We don't have a guest room, my dad's sleeping in Rachel's bed and..."

Blaine looked at him, doubt filling his eyes. "...you don't want me in yours," he finished quietly. Kurt hated how it made him seem like the bad guy. Why didn't he understand that it was too soon?

"Blaine..." he started, not sure where to start.

"But it's Christmas, Kurt. Where am I gonna go?" Blaine asked. He gave his ex-boyfriend a pleading look. At that moment, Burt walked up to them.

"Hey guys, are you having fun? Was that a surprise or what, Kurt?" He clapped his son on the shoulder. Kurt forced a smile.

"It sure was, dad," he replied.

"Well, come on, I've got a cab waiting," Burt continued enthusiastically. 'It's freezing out here and I want to open more presents. Blaine, let's go get your stuff." He let go of Kurt's shoulder and started towards the stalls. Blaine glanced at Kurt and gave him an apologetic smile before following Kurt's dad.

* * *

**[Christmas eve, ctd.]**

"I'll just... um... I'll go get changed," Blaine said awkwardly, gesturing towards the partition that hid Kurt's bed. Kurt nodded and continued gathering wrapping paper from the floor. Blaine had offered to help him, but Kurt told him he wanted to do it by himself. Keeping his eyes down, Kurt waited until he heard Blaine step behind the curtain and open his suitcase. With any luck, he'd be asleep by the time Kurt finished his shower and his evening skin care.

As the hot spray hit his back, Kurt let out a shuddering breath. It felt like he was falling apart. He could feel the tension leak from his muscles. He hadn't realized how tightly he had been wound up. His head pounded from clenching his jaw. He had been grinding his teeth and smiling all night. The last thing he wanted was to seem unhappy in front of his dad. He had kept himself together until now. Tears dripped drown his face, mingling with the water from the shower. It was too much. His dad, sick, and Blaine there, playing house with him and his dad like everything was okay... Bile rose up in his throat again. Burt and Blaine had been eating his self-made Christmas cookies like there was no tomorrow (despite Kurt's protests to his dad about the sugar) but he hadn't been able to eat a single bite. It was like he could still taste the chocolate from earlier. Would that taste always be connected to his talk with his dad now?

He sighed deeply and rolled his shoulders back, stretching his coiled up muscles and forcing them to relax. _It's just a few days_, he told himself. _And who knows how many Christmasses with your dad you'll have left? You have to make this one count ._ That thought helped stop the tears. Kurt held his face under the water and washed them away, making up his mind to put everything between him and Blaine off for later. He could do this- he had kept up a brave face during his time at school too; he could certainly manage a few days. His father had sacrificed spending the holidays with his wife to be with his son. It wouldn't be right for Kurt to spend them sitting around moping. And besides, it wasn't like Blaine wasn't trying. He had bought Kurt a fabulous scarf with a very sweet handwritten card and he was great with Burt; polite, caring, sociable. In a way, it was a bit like before they were dating. Apart from the looks, that was. Back then, it had been Kurt who would get caught staring with little hearts in his eyes. Now he kept finding Blaine looking at him like that, like Kurt was the most amazing person he had ever seen. It was flattering, but at the same time, it put pressure on Kurt to return those feelings.

Kurt sighed. The water was starting to get cold, which meant it had been at least twenty minutes. After drying off and applying moisturiser, he carefully tiptoed from the bathroom. Behind Rachel's partition, he could hear his father snoring. He smiled softly. The sound was annoying and heart-warming at the same time. He paused in front of the curtain on his side of the room and listened. He could hear Blaine's breathing. It was deep and regular. He thought of the nights he spent alone in New York dreaming about having Blaine next to him, even if it was just to sleep; romantic fantasies that discreetly kept everything under the covers (and how strange, he thought randomly, that he even censured his own dreams). He wished he could go back to those days before everything got so messed up.

He quietly padded to the bed and tried to sit down on the mattress without jostling it. Blaine was still asleep. He looked rosy and peaceful. Kurt could feel a surge of love for the boy, and at the same time, he couldn't help but wonder who Blaine was dreaming of. Kurt could no longer be sure it was him.

* * *

**[Christmas Day]**

"Pay up, Anderson."

Kurt kept his eyes on his magazine, staring angrily at the fashion picture until it blurred into a deformed shape that would have fit in a Dali painting. He felt like the joke was on him. So he hated basketball- was that really so bad? It was the early days with Finn all over again. Blaine was taking _his_ place at his father's side, being the good son, doing all that male bonding over sports and beers and guy things, and he was the odd one out. It hurt. Deep inside he knew his father accepted him like he was- they had even gone and watched a musical together!- but it still stung to see him enjoy Blaine's company so much. It was something Kurt couldn't give him.

Then Blaine dropped the bomb on him. He still wanted to apply for NYADA. Immediately, Kurt got a vision about how that would be- having Blaine around in the city, even the same school; it would mean they'd be competing for the same roles again. And like everything at school (the school musical, the class presidency, even the Cheerios), Blaine would raise the bar and succeed where Kurt had failed, putting him in the shade of his Warbler glory again. Kurt would lose the one thing he had achieved for himself. Still, what could he say? It would be petty to keep Blaine from his dreams of performing just because of his vanities. They had been talking about it for two years and he knew Blaine wanted to be a star just like he did. _Maybe_, Kurt added in thought, _he also really just wants to be with me._

* * *

**[Christmas Day after dinner]**

"Kurt? Could you stop cleaning up for a second and come here?"

Kurt looked up from the dishes and turned around. His dad was on the couch, taking off his cap and rubbing his head. He usually did that when he was anxious. Immediately, Kurt dropped everything and hurried to him, drying his hands on the tea towel hanging from his belt.

"What's wrong dad? Do you need something? It's not heart burn is it? I took extra care that the roast was lean..." he trailed off and gave his father a worried look.

"Nah, I'm okay, Kurt. Just... sit down, will ya? I want to talk to you."

More talk? Was this the point where he said his cancer was not in a harmless stage? Had he just given Kurt a few days to get used to the idea first? Kurt could feel a fist of ice closing around his heart as he sank into the couch.

"Listen, I sent Blaine to the drugstore to get me some Asprins-" his dad started.

"But I have some here-" Kurt made to stand up again but Burt stopped him, putting his hand on his son's arm.

"Because I wanted to talk to you without him here," he explained. "Now, I think you've been keeping something from me. I'm not saying lying, Kurt, because I know you wouldn't do that-"

Kurt swallowed hard.

"But I think you kept me out of the loop about the way things were between you and Blaine." Burt gave his son a stern look. "When I got that ticket for him, I kinda expected you two to be singing and dancing around the house all Christmas..."

"Dad, not while you're sick. You think I feel like dancing when I'm worried about you?" Kurt protested. Burt shook his head.

"You should, Kurt. Because I told you I'm okay. But instead, you're barely even eating, you avoid being alone with Blaine- don't think I haven't noticed- and you keep _cleaning_ everything."

Kurt winced and let go of the tea towel he had been wringing between his hands. "Dad..." he started, but trailed off, not sure how to continue. Burt took pity on him and continued.

"You know, just now, Blaine said something that made me think. He said how grateful he was able to be here for Christmas after what happened. After what he did. Now, he said this in a way that sounded like he assumed I knew what he was talking about, so I kept my poker face, but I think this is something I need to hear from you, Kurt." He paused. "Why did he _do_?"

Kurt could see the tension in his dad's body, all power and muscle waiting to spring into action. It was a good thing he had sent Blaine out. Kurt felt his eyes water.

"He... slept with someone else while I was in New York," he confessed.

Burt studied his son. "And by someone _else_...I am reading between the lines...that you two had... that when you were a couple-" He was struggling, and Kurt quickly confirmed it to put him out of his misery.

"Yes. We were each other's first. It's okay, dad. We waited until we were both ready. We were careful and it was special, like you told me."

Burt nodded, his tense expression easing a little.

"I guess that's why it hurt so much to find out," Kurt said quietly. "Like it just... became less special."

Burt sighed deeply. "I'm really sorry, Kurt. The whole reason I had that talk with you was to try and protect you from ever having to feel like this." He looked his son in the eyes. "Is that why you didn't want to come to Lima? Because you didn't want to see him again?"

Kurt frowned and thought about it. "Maybe," he finally admitted. "Seeing him just makes it harder to let go. I still love him, dad. I know I shouldn't...if it was anyone else, Rachel, or Mercedes, I'd be telling them to get over it, like,_ pronto_." He snapped his fingers and imitated his friend's sassy attitude before giving his dad a sad smile. "But I'm just...not ready. To let go- or take him back."

Burt nodded. "Well, only you can decide if you want to give him another chance, Kurt. You know I've grown quite fond of that kid, but if he makes you feel like you have the past days, I'll have no trouble kicking him out for you. _You _come first, okay?" He looked Kurt in the eyes and waited until Kurt nodded. Satisfied that Kurt had understood, he continued. "And if you had told me this before, I wouldn't have tried to make it better by bringing him here." He was tiptoeing the line between apology and accusation.

Kurt quickly shook his head. "It's not your fault, dad. And you don't have to kick him out. I know he's really sorry. He keeps reminding me. And I want us to stay friends. You know, either way. Maybe we can use our last day to... I don't know, make some good resolutions for the New Year. Plan ahead."

"I already got some," Burt said, smiling. "I'm gonna get better, and I'm gonna get front row tickets to your first NYADA shows." He put his NYADA cap back on and tugged on the brim.

Kurt laughed a little. At that moment, Blaine knocked and pushed open the door to the loft.

"I got the Asprins. That drugstore was a bit further away than you said but I found it," he said, sounding a little winded.

"That's okay, son. I already feel a lot better," Burt said from the couch.

"Me too," Kurt whispered, closing the sliding door behind Blaine.

**The End**


End file.
